Plans Gone Awry
by Hail-The-Process
Summary: Cracky oneshot. OOC, I guess. Artemis Fowl winds up in Gotham while looking for the twins nanny, in order to convince her not to kill herself. That, however, is only HALF the reason. slight swears a one dead body


**Disclaimer: Yeah. I'm TOTALLY going to try and claim I own all these characters and risk the consequences. Whatever. Batman and all its glory goes to Stan Lee/Marvel, and Eoin Colfer owns Artemis Fowl. Enjoy, bitches.**

Things tended to go awry when Artemis made plans. And when he had to track nannies into obscure cities with crime rates that made his own record look like that of a saint.

This, however, was ridiculous.

_Three hours and fourteen minutes before now, I was strolling around, minding my own business, and looking for the twins nanny in order to make sure that poor woman didn't kill herself. Why does Juliet need to take vacations? _Artemis thought glumly. Now he was hanging by his ankles in some psychopaths base – the Joker, was it? – with a woman who was very obviously lovesick beyond belief prodding his face with the barrel of a gun and asking what his business in 'Mista J's' lair was.

"I told you," snapped Artemis, glaring at the clown – Harley Quinn, if he remembered correctly. "I was trying to coax my younger brothers nanny into not killing herself because of the peanut butter incident and I tripped down a flight of stairs."

"What stairs?" demanded Harley Quinn. "Mista J don't have no stairs!"

Artemis scowled. "_Do_ try and word your sentences more carefully. You said he 'don't have no stairs'. Firstly, if your were trying to claim he didn't have any stairs, you should say 'Mister J's base doesn't have any stairs'. Secondly, going off what you actually said, you basically told me that yes, yes there are stairs here-"

"Enough!" shrieked Harley Quinn. "What's your business in Gotham?"

"I had to chase my younger brothers nanny here," he said. This was partly true - he was also in Gotham to see some psychos sacked.

But seeing that the crazy lady was ready to pull the trigger, Artemis elaborated. "She was distraught by Myles and Beckett's tyranny and ran away. I've already chased her through all of South Korea, New York, California, Sweden, Japan, and Ireland. I finally found her in Gotham but then she started running away again."

"How didja get into Mista J's base?" Harley Quinn asked. If looks could kill, Artemis would be a medical miracle.

"I already told you," snapped Artemis irritably. "I was chasing my brothers nanny and I fell down some stairs."

Harley Quinn's face reddened in frustration, though it was difficult to see through all of the makeup. "You can't get in thro-"

"Can you put me upright?" interrupted Artemis. "Gravity is on the job, and it's trying to drain all of my blood into my head."

Harley Quinn scowled, but untied Artemis and let him fall to the floor with a _thump._ Before the raven-haired Irishman could bolt, Harley Quinn pointed her gun at him. "Move and you're dead! Now answer my question!"

"What question?" asked Artemis, eyes wide in mock-innocence.

"How did you get into the base?"

"Which base?"

"This base!"

"Your base?"

"J's base!"

"Who is 'J'?"

"The boss!"

"Boss? What boss?"

"My boss!"

"My boss?"

"No, not you're boss!"

"So your boss?"

"YES!"

"Yes what?" Harley Quinn backhanded Artemis across the face.

"You know what I'm sayin'," snarled Harley Quinn, leaning in so close that Artemis could smell her perfume. "Now answer my stinkin' question!"

Artemis sighed. "Very well. I shall tell you my super-secret method of invading psychotic clown's bases. I will begin from the top – firstly, I bath my feet in eggs for an hour. Secondly, I shoot dead pigs with harpoon guns. Thirdly, I sing cherished Disney songs under the full moon, clad in naught but my shoes-"

"How did you get into the fucking base?" Harley Quinn interrupted, her tone devoid of emotion.

Artemis looked offended, but answered anyway. "The door was open."

Harley Quinn face-palmed and collapsed. "There! Was that SO HARD?"

"No," admitted Artemis. "But I was just distracting you."

The clown queen's brow furrowed. "Distracting me? From what?" Artemis smirked and cocked his head towards the door.

Curiously, Harley Quinn stood and opened it...

To be greeted by the sight of all the Joker's minions strung up from the rafters, unconscious and some even badly wounded. Batman stood before her, grimacing. "I hope you like straightjackets," Batman said in a voice that was just a wee bit too bright.

Harley Quinn's eyes widened in horror. She would have voiced a venomous objection, but she caught sight of something that made her smirk at Batman.

A woman had been hung from the rafters. "Broke your code, eh, Bats?" she cackled. "You killed someone! You killed someone!"

"Actually," said Batman, gesturing to the scene behind him, "I didn't do any of this. I just happened to decide it was probably a good idea of take a crack at the Joker and happened upon this mess."

She frowned. "Than who did all this?"

"Them," said Artemis and Batman in unison, the bat-clad hero pointing upwards.

Myles and Beckett Fowl were grinning down at Harley Quinn, Myles holding Professor Primate in one hand and a water gun in the other, while Beckett wielded a pair of handcuffs. Bother were perched in the rafters. "Justice!" roared Beckett.

Though the arrival of Batman was more or less unplanned, Artemis' plan had not gone as awry as he assumed it would.

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